


Dividing Fiction from Reality

by Basingstoke



Series: The Shores of Destiny [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: AU, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-10-07
Updated: 2000-10-07
Packaged: 2017-10-02 17:28:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basingstoke/pseuds/Basingstoke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anakin's dilemma.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dividing Fiction from Reality

I walked into the bedroom and sat heavily on the bed. 

Afternoon sun lit the room gently.  Our room faced west, away from  
the sunset, so the light was a diffuse orange glow.  Our packs were  
piled on my old pallet under the window.  Obi-Wan was on the other  
side of the Temple, from the feel of it.  

I sat and looked at my new right hand.  

It didn't appear any different from the real one.  Except that  
it was just a bit too smooth, to perfect, the join marked by a thin scar-like  
line across my wrist.  And the Force didn't crackle through it as  
it did in the rest of my body, but changed abruptly to the cool stasis  
of a mechanical thing.  It didn't flow.  The current built up  
as if held by a dam.  It very definitely wasn't part of my body, and  
this bothered me ceaselessly.  

But I really didn't have a choice-it was my saber hand.  I either  
had to accept the prosthesis, or relearn every manual task with the wrong  
hand.  I closed my eyes and smoothed the flow of Force through my  
body.  Ebb and flow.  Ebb and flow.

I felt Obi-Wan approach our quarters long before he walked through the  
door.  He was exhausted and melancholy, his strength at its end.   
My Master always put his well-being last.  Even when he shouldn't.

He stood in the doorway looking at me.  "Better than no hand at  
all," I said.  A flash of pain crossed his face, igniting the Force  
between us briefly with stabbing regret. He knelt before me, kissing the  
palm.  

"It changes nothing, Anakin.  You are yourself despite it."   
He kissed my brow then, ever the tender lover.  "We both need sleep,  
Anakin."

"Have you slept at all since we returned, Obi-Wan?"  I had gone  
straight to the healers, and had no memory of the past day.  Or possibly  
two days.

"No.  Move over."  He smiled and sat on the bed.

That was more like it.  I didn't like to see him so helplessly  
sad, it wasn't like him.  I slid over to my side of the bed.   
He climbed in after me, and I wrapped around him, resting my head over  
his heart.  We both felt better together.

* * *

I dreamed.  A dream of terrible fear, a dream that I was drowning--drowning  
in blood, the blood of my master and friends, filling me and consuming  
me--dissolving me away.

I screamed without voice and the blood filled my lungs--and Obi-Wan  
shook me awake.

I clung to him, shivering.  It was more than a dream, it consumed  
me--

"Padawan, I'm here, I'm always here."  He held me close.  

But I was so cold.

* * *

I awoke before Obi-Wan.  He stirred slightly and I lay still, so  
not to disturb him.  

His face was still engraved with lines of stress.  There was nothing  
soft about him except the loose fall of his hair; the broad curves of his  
face were shrunken against the skull, his thin mouth narrowed to a slit  
even in sleep.  I could feel his sleeping mind buzz with the static  
of worry.  

He shifted and a shaft of light from the half-closed drapes fell across  
his eyes, making him wince.  There was no rest for him even in sleep.  

I grasped his right shoulder--an old gesture that meant "everything's  
fine"--and climbed over his body and out of bed.  I picked up my robe  
from the floor where it had been discarded when we left last time.   
I pulled the drapes fully closed, and gently sent my lover into restful  
sleep.  

The common room was sunny and bright.  The sand-colored walls reminded  
me of home, even if it was too cold.  Obi-Wan got terrible headaches  
if the temperature was turned any higher, so I long ago learned to order  
my uniforms warmer than normal.  

I made a nice spicy tea to warm me up.  That last planet we were  
assigned to had such terribly bland food.  There was bread also, and  
fruit.  

I was restless, but stifled it so Obi-Wan didn't feel it.  He saw  
my emotions as if my skull were glass;  I could never stop him.   
I had to stop the emotion instead.  He was my master and lover and  
my only true friend in this place, and I couldn't jeopardize that, couldn't  
bear to.  So I couldn't let him see the strain--  

I walked around the room, exorcising tension through motion.  Finally  
I stood before the large bookshelf full of Qui-Gon's books.  Some  
history, some language, and a great deal of poetry.  I had read them  
all over the years, trying to get a better idea of the man.    
I selected my favorite book of poetry and sat in the plain wooden chair.

The words brought peace, finally.  I opened my mind and shared  
it with my sleeping lover.

* * *

I knelt in the temple gardens eight days after our return.  Tending  
the earth in the gardens was one of the dexterity exercises recommended  
for my hand, and one that I found I enjoyed.  I basked in the afternoon  
sun.

Other knights and students wandered through the gardens.  There  
was a lesson in the living force in a nearby grotto, and a pair of older  
Padawans trading kisses and jokes while perched in a large tree overhead.  

It was peaceful and cheerful and generally the opposite of the war environments  
Obi-Wan and I had become accustomed to.  I would have to pry Obi-Wan  
away from his meetings and get him out here; maybe take a private room  
and make love to him on the grass, under the morning sun or maybe the midnight  
stars...

I looked up as I felt familiar presences entering my section of the  
garden.  Not my Master--not friends either.  Mace and Yoda, walking  
very slowly along the row.  

I turned my head back down to my work and frowned at the delicate flower  
I was tending.  I was highly uncomfortable in the presence of the  
heads of the council.  I much preferred to speak with them over the  
holocom if I could.  

The reason for my unease manifested soon after they arrived.  I  
felt a delicate probe at the edge of my consciousness, reading the thoughts  
and fears that drifted by.  So delicate that an ordinary Knight probably  
wouldn't be able to feel it.  But I could feel it, and it sickened  
me.  I hated this intrusion more than anything else in my life.

I drew into myself subtly; the position of my body changed, my left  
arm drawn up across my chest as I sank back on my heels.  I tightened  
the span of my inner citadel, the dense clouds that rested in the center  
of the mists of my mind.  And I carefully chose the thoughts that  
I sent in the direction of the Masters' probe.  The pleasure of working  
in the garden; my worries about the loss of my hand and the progress of  
the war.  Harmless, acceptable, neutral thoughts, nothing that would  
make them worry.  The fear, the strain, the negative thoughts were  
all locked inside to knot up and disappear into themselves.

And thankfully they withdrew.  Both from my mind and from the garden.   
I knelt on the grass for a long time before I could get up and retreat  
to my quarters.  

Hopefully Obi-Wan would be there.  I wanted nothing more than to  
curl up in his arms.

* * *

Three weeks later I was restless.  We had never been kept at the  
temple so long before, and I wasn't quite sure how to occupy myself.   
My piloting class took only a few hours out of the day.  My few friends  
were away on missions.  My lover was eternally busy with meeting after  
meeting on the Mandelorian war.  I tinkered with my current projects  
but felt acutely uninspired.  

Obi-Wan was still away at midnight, and I was no closer to sleep.   
I calculated the current time difference and realized it was morning in  
Theed, which meant I could probably talk to Amidala.  I hadn't been  
able to speak with her since before the last mission.  I grinned and  
brought up the holocom in the bedroom.

A handmaiden answered.  "Oh, hello Anakin!  Amidala just got  
back from a meeting--let me find her."

A pause, and then Ami's lovely face appeared. 

"Hello, dear," I greeted her.

"Good morning, Anakin. Or--isn't it night there?"

"Past midnight.  I'm not tired, and Obi-Wan is still in session."

"Tsk.  They work him too hard."

"I know!  He needs a vacation."

"So do you.  You should come and visit, it's been ages!"  

"I am on vacation.  Because of my hand, you know."

"Your hand?"

"Force--Obi-Wan didn't tell you?"  She shook her head, looking  
worried.  "I thought he would have.  I lost my hand on the last  
mission."

"Oh--Anakin!"  Worry creased her forehead.

"It's not serious, I have a replacement."  I held my hands up,  
both of them.  Not that it really was fine, but it would do.   
And I didn't mean to make her worry.

"Anakin, of course it's serious!  What happened?"

"We went out to dinner right before we were about to leave, and got  
ambushed on the way back.  And I got shot.  That's all there  
is to it, really."  I shrugged.  "I'm kind of worried about Obi-Wan  
though.  He's driving himself just as hard, and he has nightmares.   
I know more about what actually happened from his nightmares than from  
my own memory."  I couldn't escape the horrible image of Obi-Wan shaking  
severed fingers from my lightsaber.  It played through his dreams  
over and over, sticking in my mind with repetition.

"Can you see his dreams?"  Amidala knew how strongly we were connected.

"Sometimes.  We share dreams every once in a while."  Of course,  
the dreams were usually lighter.  I didn't know where the terrible  
blood dreams were coming from.

"That must be strange."

"It's not, really.  We don't even realize until morning.   
It doesn't feel wrong."  I smiled.  "Nothing having to do with  
Obi-Wan feels wrong."

She answered my smile, knowing exactly what I meant.  I had told  
her of my feelings for my master years before I ever let him know.   
She had patiently lent an ear to a great many wistful adolescent longings--as  
well as my overwhelming joy when we first became lovers three years ago.  

"But how do you feel, Ani?  You can't be as unaffected as you say."

"I--"  I looked down, rubbing together real hand and false.   
"It's not really a part of me.  It works, and I need it, but it's  
external.  It's mechanical.  And you know how I feel about that."   
Strongly enough to have surgery to remove the deactivated slave transmitter  
even though it turned out to be implanted in my skull, near enough my brain  
for the surgery to be a hazard.  I never even considered letting it  
remain.  

"A lot of people have war wounds," I said quietly, "many worse than  
mine.  This isn't debilitating, it's just..."  I shook my head.   
"Bad."

"I know, Anakin, believe me."  We were quiet for a moment until  
I purposefully broke the mood.

"So--has the governor been hassling you to find a husband still?"

"Always.  I need an heir, and they won't be satisfied until I produce  
one."  She sighed.  "I don't know how I'm supposed to find a  
mate when I barely have a moment to myself."  

"Just stick it on the agenda--1300, meet with the Gungan leader, 1400,  
fall in love, 1420, lunch!"  

She laughed, her eyes sparkling.  

I felt Obi-Wan approaching then.  "Obi-Wan's coming home, speaking  
of love."

"Are you going then?"

"No--I'm sure he'll want to talk to you too."

Obi-Wan came through the door and his weariness hit me like a blow.   
It must have shown on my face, because Ami asked, "What's wrong?"

"Obi-Wan's exhausted as usual."

"Poor dear.  Make sure he rests."

"I will."  Obi-Wan entered the bedroom with tea, handing me one  
of the mugs.  

"Good morning, Queen Amidala," he said, attempting a smile.

"Good night to you, General Kenobi."  Formality was nearly a game  
between them.  

"Did the harvest recover from the attack, Amidala?"  They were  
close to one of the front lines.

"No." Her face saddened.  "We hope to recover the lost cropland  
in the next planting season, but this year's harvest is devastated. The  
Gungans have plans to increase the fish harvests, so hopefully we can survive  
on that this season. But we have hard times ahead, I fear."

Obi-Wan rested his hand on my shoulder, his voice and thoughts muddy  
with cares.  "You're a more than capable leader, Amidala. I'm sure  
you can bring your people through this dark time." 

"As you will bring the Republic through its dark time, General."

I leaned into him, draping my arm up and around his waist.  "I  
should put him to bed, Ami, he's been saving the Republic all day."   
We smiled to each other.

"Goodnight, dear heart."

"Goodnight Ami!"  I closed the transmission and turned to my lover.   
"Obi-Wan, go to bed. I'll clean up."  He nodded and started pulling  
off his clothes as I went to clear the kitchen area.  I returned to  
see him face-down on the bed dressed still in his leggings.  

I straddled him and rubbed muscles that felt like knotted steel.   
"You work too hard, Obi-Wan."

"Who else would do it, Ani? Who else could?"  His voice rough,  
the pain evident.  But he was right; nobody else had his odd mix of  
skills and experience.

"Nobody," I sighed.  I rubbed his neck and shoulders, feeling him  
start to fall asleep.  I undressed and climbed over him to my side  
of the bed, tugging the covers over us both.  

Obi-Wan turned over and I curled around him as usual.  He stroked  
my short hair as I embraced his chest tightly.  His skin was clear,  
pink and pale next to my permanently tanned arms--a pleasing contrast.  

"I love you, Obi-Wan," I murmured into his chest.  

"And I you," he said frustratingly.

He never would say "I love you."  Ever.  I kissed him anyway.

* * *

I had dreams of blood again that night.  I awoke halfway through  
the night with my shields shut so tight I couldn't even move, fighting  
the crackling darkness inside.

I lay holding my lover tight to my body, silently terrified of the secrets  
lurking in my mind.  What was *wrong* with me?

* * *

"Come on, Obi-Wan," I laughed, tugging on his hand.  "You'll like  
this, it's much better than meetings."

He smiled fondly and followed me through the garden.  

"Where are we going?" he asked.

I walked faster, towing him behind me.  "Here.  We're here,"  
I replied, as we reached the spot.  "Up!"

I climbed up the rough trunk of an enormous old tree.  It leaned  
heavily to one side and the craggy bark made it trivial to climb.   
I looked back and saw Obi-Wan chuckle softly, then follow me into the tree.  

My goal was a natural seat in the old tree several meters above the  
ground.  I arranged myself in it and beckoned to Obi-Wan to sit in  
my lap.  He stepped carefully over my dangling leg and settled himself.

"Very romantic, Ani," he said, looking back at me.  

"Don't look at me.  Look at the sky through the leaves."   
I turned his head gently.

His breath caught.  "Oh--I see."

It was dinner time.  The gardens were completely quiet at this  
time of evening.  The sun was setting behind the skyline of the city-planet,  
casting a soft orange glow over the greenhouse windows.  This glow  
was filtered through the thousands of long, translucent golden leaves of  
the tree, engulfing us in a cascade of warm color.

"It's beautiful," he said softly.

"Your hair is that color," I said, running my hand through the long  
locks.  "Only darker, as if the pure color were concentrated, or distilled.   
Like wine."

"There's no grey in a bottle of wine," he said, but the usual edge of  
strain was missing.

"Silver.  The silver is the wire used to wrap the bottle.   
And the label of the bottle is a shifting blue-grey, the color of your  
eyes."

Obi-Wan turned in my arms, his expression light and warm.  "And  
how would this wine taste?"

"Like love," I said, and kissed him.  

We traded kisses inside the canopy of the tree until the sun had set  
and the low lights of the garden turned on.  

* * *

Master Yoda contacted us the next morning, calling us before the Council. 

"You know of the attack on Naboo, I'm sure," Master Windu said. "The  
gamma front is seeing increased activity, and we need an operative there  
with a good knowledge of the peoples of Naboo."

We both nodded. We were the obvious choice, as close friends of the  
Queen. "We can leave in the morning, Master Windu," Obi-Wan said.

"Not you, Master Kenobi. Just Knight Skywalker."

'I could kill you where you stand'--the thought flashed through my mind  
like laser fire, but I held it back.  My heart was sick.  I couldn't  
be separated from him, I couldn't--but I had to stay calm, stay centered,  
pretend this was all right.  I looked at my lover and he saw the terror  
in my eyes.

"We are aware that you prefer to work together, but we have a pressing  
need to assign you separately. Bail Organa has specifically requested Master  
Kenobi's assistance as acting General of the Alderaanian army, which is  
beginning an attack on the alpha front that will hopefully break the Mandelorian  
defenses in that sector. Knight Skywalker is the only other with such an  
extensive knowledge of the Naboo system and peoples. Will you accept the  
assignments?"

//he's right// I sent.  We couldn't turn down the assignments,  
not without consequences.  I was afraid of the Council; they didn't  
trust me and they had the power to separate us permanently.  

//I don't like it.//

"I accept," I said.  Master Yoda looked at me, raising his ears  
inquisitively.  He trusted me least of all.  I could tell, I  
could feel him watching me always.  Especially since my knighting,  
they all watched me, with their eyes and their probes and their questions.

"I accept also," Obi-Wan said.  There was a dark undercurrent to  
his voice.

We left the chamber and his hand clasped mine under cover of our robes.

"It'll be all right," I said, trying to reassure us both. "Master Windu  
is right, they need me on Naboo. We're lucky to be posted together as long  
as we have."

He frowned and squeezed my hand, and we returned to our quarters in  
silence.  I went to find a replacement instructor for my piloting  
class.  Obi-Wan left shortly after to speak to Master Yoda--I could  
feel his intention swirling through the moil of thoughts visible through  
his shields.  

Secrets and worry spun through my head.  I wondered, as I walked,  
if my Master knew I could read him so clearly.  But he must, after  
fourteen years together.  I couldn't possibly keep a secret that long--could  
I?  

* * *

Obi-Wan returned bearing a tray full of food.  His mind was deeply  
troubled, but his face outwardly calm.

We ate in silence, Obi-Wan's mind clearly elsewhere.

He finished first and stood, wandering over to the window to watch the  
setting sun.  His shields were thickened and his thoughts were confused  
enough that I couldn't see what he was thinking.  

I finished my dinner and crossed to my lover, resting my hand on his  
shoulder and my chin on top of his head.  Obi-Wan brought his hand  
up to touch mine and sighed enormously, relaxing back into my embrace.  

I pulled him closer and brought a piece of candied fruit to his lips.   
I could feel him smile a little against my fingers--my real fingers, not  
the fake ones--and he opened his mouth to accept the candy.   

We paused a moment before he turned in my arms, pulling my head down  
into a long kiss.

"Our last night for a while," I whispered against his lips.

His kisses doubled in ardor and he pressed me backwards toward the bedroom.   
I went happily, trusting the Force to guide me through the room without  
breaking away from Obi-Wan's mouth.  He unfastened my belt, tossing  
it onto the chair from the sound of it, and my obi quickly followed.   
Tunics were shed at the doorway.

I came up for air,  grinning.  My lover looked more like himself  
now, a teasing smile playing about his relaxed mouth.  And then he  
pushed me down onto the bed.  He softly bit my nipples, kissing the  
line of my stomach--tugging down my leggings with his teeth as he clasped  
both my hands in his own.  

And he took me into his mouth so electrically sweet, as the hidden strain  
of the day bubbled and faded between us.  I felt myself arching--and  
coming, tension shooting from my spine.  

Obi-Wan rested his head on my stomach, stroking my thigh.  He felt  
sad.  I could tell.  I hoped it was just about the upcoming separation,  
I couldn't bear anything else.  I tugged on his hand, urging him up.   
He met my mouth and we kissed long and hard.  But his eyes--were so  
troubled.  The clouds didn't lift when he looked at me, but rather  
deepened into murky pools of loss.  I didn't want to know what lay  
in his thoughts.  I couldn't look at him any more.

I turned over, showing him what I wanted.  "Let me--" he started  
up, looking for oil probably.  I grabbed his hand on the bed.   
"Stay.  Just do it, it's fine."  I didn't want to break contact,  
and I didn't want to look at those eyes again.  

His hands moved gently over my back as I rested my head on elbows and  
pillow.  He did something, I don't know what, and then pressed gently  
into me.  It was harsher than usual but I didn't care, I wanted his  
body deep inside.  

//harder//

He sped up tentatively.  It hurt, but I didn't let the pain through  
my shields.  I didn't know why I needed this, I just knew that I *did*.

//harder!//

And he rested his forehead on my back and grasped my hips, finally fucking  
me as roughly as I wanted.  His distress peaked along with his body--he  
came with tears in his eyes.  

He rolled onto his back and his thoughts pushed at me.  I pushed  
back, sending him forcibly into sleep.  His eyes moved fitfully under  
heavy lids, he twitched on the bed, uneasy.  I watched him, my feelings  
strange and undefinable.  I didn't feel like his lover at that moment.   
There was blood on his sex; I could feel it running sticky down my thigh.   
Disgust overcame me and I pushed abruptly into his mind, isolating the  
ugly incident and erasing it from his memory.  His gaze was painful  
enough upon me without further reproach.

I pushed off the bed finally and walked stiffly to the washroom to clean  
up.  I walked in the door and stopped dead.  

The man in the mirror didn't look like me.  The body was mine,  
the cropped blond hair and tanned skin.  But I had never seen that  
face before, it was hard as stone and the eyes were so cruel--

My knees buckled and I grabbed the doorway for support.  I stood  
for a long moment leaning my head into my naked arm, eyes tightly closed  
against the image of myself.  

When I raised my head again the mirror showed only my own ordinary,  
plain and terribly unhappy face.  I wet a cloth and washed the blood  
away.

Why did I make Obi-Wan hurt me like that?

I returned to the side of my lover, cleaning my blood from his body.   
He twitched under my hand, his mind easing into turbid dreams.  I  
read his dreams--read the flashes of conversation that erupted like bubbles  
from his troubled mind.  "Master, the boy is dangerous--they all sense  
it, why can't you?"  

He was thinking of me.  I didn't like the shape of his thoughts,  
not one bit.  Master Yoda's signature--"Anakin. Much fear in him still....Anakin  
must face himself." 

"I don't want to doubt him. But I've seen his dreams." ... "Dark dreams,  
hmm?" ... "Worrying dreams."

That must have been the conversation this afternoon.  It *wasn't*  
just a mission, Yoda was behind everything.  And Obi-Wan--my lover!--was  
his spy.  He was reporting on me to Yoda.  

Anger flared within me--and I did not grab his throat, I did not rip  
at his flesh, no matter what the demons in my head told me to do--I beat  
my fists against my naked thighs until the reddened and threatened to bruise.

I never knew Obi-Wan talked about me like this.  

I guess we could keep secrets from each other after all.  

I thought he loved me.  I really did.  I guess this explains  
why he never said so.

* * *

Obi-Wan walked me to the ship, reluctant to part from me.  Reluctant  
to let me go.  Scared of what I might do.

"You know why they separated us," I said, feigning good humor. He turned  
to me, looking stricken.  "Why?" 

"To light a fire under your tail and win this war so we can be together  
again!"  I smiled, playing the role of lover perfectly.  

Obi-Wan melted visibly.  He pulled me close and kissed me at great  
length, his hands shaking a little.

"I'll see you soon," he murmured, and I pulled away and walked up the  
ramp.

The pilot punched my arm, grinning, as the hatch closed.  "Hell  
of a goodbye," she said.  "Going to be apart for a while?"  

"Yes."  The craft was a courier, quite small, so I sat in the navigator's  
chair next to the pilot.  I stared out the window as my fingers itched  
for the controls.

"I guess you must be split up most of the time on missions."  She  
steered us out of the hangar without hesitation, obviously familiar with  
the building.  

"No.  this is my first solo mission.  We've been together  
fourteen years."  And saying it, I knew how very strange that was.   
Most couples spent a great deal of time apart--it was hard on a relationship.

She gave me a look, her black and purple curls bouncing.  "*How*  
old are you?"

"Twenty-three."

"That's what I thought."  

I sighed.  "I'm sorry, I'm just a little preoccupied."  Thinking  
about my supposed lover, thinking about my future and my past.  

"No, I get it.  Why do so many padawans fall for their masters?   
Seems like half the Jedi couples I see used to be teacher and student."   
She negotiated the hectic Coruscant traffic, heading for an exit point.  

"Well--most don't.  Usually the bond stays at the teacher-student  
level.  But if you're at all compatible romantically, it's very easy  
to become attached."  

I stood and headed for the back, suddenly and desperately needing a  
bit of privacy.  "Hey!" the pilot called.  "Just yell if you  
need anything," she said, with the sly smile of the natural flirt.   
"My name's Califia." 

I nodded, and turned away.

* * *

I knelt in the back of the small ship, in my tiny cabin space.   
I focused on the small window that gave me a glimpse of the stars, streaked  
in hyperspace.

I thought on my Master's dream.  Or was it my keeper's dream?

I didn't know what to think any more.  I tried to just not think  
at all, but my brain refused to rest.  Obi-Wan--watching me, the lines  
in his face deepening every year that he looked upon me.  Me, his  
burden.  His charge.  The promise made to an idealistic old master.  

I wondered--did he curse that promise?  Or accept it wearily, one  
more burden in a life of service to others.  

I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes.  I was being paranoid.   
I was being irrational.  It was unworthy of me.  But I couldn't  
shake the conversation I had seen last night, it called my entire life  
into question.

What was I, if not Obi-Wan's student and lover?  What was left?

Why couldn't they trust me after so many years?

I stared desolately at the stars streaking away from me.

* * *

I couldn't sleep.

Five days to Naboo, and I couldn't sleep without the sound of my lover's  
heart.  Lover.  Keeper.  Whatever he was.  I was addicted  
to him, and I couldn't sleep.  I put myself into trances to regain  
my energy, and tried not to think about my life.  

Finally we arrived.  Captain Panaka swept me away as soon as we  
landed, and we spent the entire day and much of the evening looking over  
the Nubian defenses for obvious holes.  We found a few, but had to  
adjourn when I became light-headed from hunger.  I also hadn't eaten  
very well on the journey.  I was in bad shape.  

I made my way to the usual guest room, where a good dinner awaited.   
I threw my outer robe across the couch, and crossed the room to lean my  
head against the window.  The gardens were cool and blue in the twilight.   
Small lanterns glowed among the formal pathways.  I remembered walking  
under them with my lover, and closed my burning eyes.

There was a signal at the door.  "Come in," I called, turning away  
from the window.

The door opened and Amidala entered, her hair loose, casually dressed  
and beaming.  "Anakin!  Finally, we both can escape."

I smiled and met her in the middle of the room, sweeping her into a  
hug.  She was fully a foot shorter than I, which advantage I used  
to sweep her off her feet and onto the sofa with me.

"Ami--you have no idea how glad I am to see you."  My face slipped,  
and I felt the strain of the past week begin to show.  

Amidala stroked my cheek and sighed.  "Oh, Ani. Have some food  
first and then tell me about it."  I hugged her again, pressing a  
kiss onto the top of her head.  She stood and pulled me to the small  
table, pushing two chairs close together.  

"Now *eat,* before I get impatient and steal your dessert."  Amidala  
propped her head on her hand, the smooth sable cascade of hair making her  
appear much younger than her 28 years.  

Her presence calmed my turbulent mind enough to allow me to eat.   
I tried hard to make up for the past week's famine.  And Amidala only  
stole *part* of my dessert.

We sat back onto the couch side by side.  

"How is Obi-Wan?  Why didn't he come with you?"

"He--"  I tried to think of an answer, but my mind was un-cooperative.   
"We--"

My eyes grew hot and my vision blurred.  I screwed my eyes shut,  
trying to hold it back, trying to stay in control of myself if I couldn't  
stay on top of the slightest aspect of my life--but I couldn't; and finally  
I slumped against Amidala, my best friend, the only friend I had left,  
and I cried.

* * *

The gamma front attacks stopped abruptly when the sector control ship  
was destroyed three days after I arrived.  I waited for the order  
sending me home, but it never arrived.  

* * *

I sat on the marble bench in the center of the palace gardens.   
Both hands were curled around a tiny, steaming cup of chai.  I looked  
up into the stars, sorting the satellites from the natural objects.

I could see the twin suns of my home system from here.  They blurred  
into a bright speck in the southern portion of the sky, part of a constellation  
that the Naboo called "the Water-Jug" and the Gungans called "the Quick  
Fish."  It was the eye of the fish, and the neck of the jug.  

I brought my chin down, blinking against the light of the garden lanterns,  
and sipped my chai.  My hands were cold as always.  

"Anakin?"  

"Here," I called.  Amidala emerged from the darkness of the brick  
path.  

"It's a lovely night," she said.  "I thought I would find you out  
here."

I nodded.  "I've always liked your constellations.  We share  
a few, but the names aren't as interesting."

"On Coruscant?"

"On Tatooine."

She smiled as she sat on the bench next to me.  "I never realized  
we had constellations in common.  Which ones?"

I pointed into the western sky.  "The Turning Starfish.  The  
nebula is so far away that it looks the same from Tatooine, but we call  
it the Bantha Calf.  I was born under it."

Ami nodded.  "Banthas are the ones with all the hair?  We  
saw an animal market when we were on Tatooine."

"Yes.  The calves are tiny, with long legs and no horns, and soft  
baby fluff everywhere.  We wove fabric from their hair, soft enough  
to wear next to your skin.  It's a good sign to be born under, it  
means you'll be useful and industrious when you grow up," I said, still  
looking up into the sky.

She laughed.  "The stars tell you what you'll be?  How silly!"

"The Force tells us."  I looked at her, her sweet smiling face.   
"Do you believe in destiny?"

She shook her head. 

"I do.  I think there's a path for me, Ami.  I just don't  
know what it is."  I thought of the Jedi and the anger bloomed under  
my skin again, tightening my hands around the cup.  

One real hand, one unreal.  I had sacrificed so much for them--

Where was my destiny now?

"You'll know it when you find it, Anakin," Amidala said.  She touched  
me softly as the light from the lanterns flickered across our skin.

end.


End file.
